boredom

i have not slept today.

i used to think i wanted to become an early morning person, but the truth is, i enjoy being awake at night. so the best hack i found was simple: stay awake all night. that is one way to become a morning person.

by morning, i was drinking black coffee and looking at the sun. and immediately, my brain started asking, "how can i make this productive?"

what book should i pick from my shelf? what should i read? if i am not reading, what youtube video should i watch so this time does not feel wasted?

then i realized something. i do not always want to be productive. sometimes i am just trying to distract myself.

so i decided to skip everything. no book. no video. no productivity hack. i just wanted to sit with my thoughts and see what comes up when i am bored.

the first thought was obvious: how do i get a job? i am unemployed right now, so of course that came up. but then that question became something deeper: what am i actually good at?

people say no one can beat you at something you are really good at and genuinely enjoy. so i started asking myself: what is that thing for me?

i asked my mother what i was good at as a child. she said i was good at studies. but when i look at my school life, i was never the 100 out of 100 guy. i was more like 80 out of 100, maybe slightly above average sometimes, but not the top guy.

some of my friends say i am good with technical things. they say if something needs to be figured out, i can usually figure it out. they say i am good at coding.

but even that feels complicated now. i used to think coding was something i could do all day. but if i look at the past few months honestly, almost all of my code has been written by ai. i tweak things, i guide things, but most of the actual code is not written by my hands anymore.

so can i still say i love coding? i do not know.

then the question comes back again: what am i really good at?

maybe my friends think i am good at technical things because they are not as deep into it. but i have seen people who are much better than me. so i do not know if i am actually good, or just good compared to the people around me.

recently, money has also influenced my thinking a lot. i have had a hard time financially, and it has changed my priorities. a lot of times, i catch myself thinking, "i just need one startup to work. then i can make money."

but that thought feels wrong.

if the only reason i want to build a startup is money, then maybe i am starting from the wrong place. when i look at people like steve jobs, elon musk, and others, it feels like they did not start only because they wanted money. they wanted to solve something. they wanted to build something. they wanted to give something to the world.

i understand that idea, but i do not fully live with it yet. money is still loud in my head.

i am 21, and i have not figured it out yet. maybe that is okay. maybe it will take time. maybe i need to try more things with honesty.

i like entrepreneurship. i like learning sales, marketing, distribution, content, and all the things around building something. but even there, i notice something uncomfortable.

sometimes i make content because i want attention. if i spend three or four hours making something and it does not get views, i feel sad. not because i enjoyed the process and wanted to express something, but because it did not give me the attention i expected.

that tells me something.

maybe i am still mixing up what i enjoy with what i want from the world. money. attention. validation. status.

i do not know how to figure out what i am really good at. i think it will take time, guts, and a lot of attempts. but i want to find it.

not the thing that gives me quick money. not the thing that makes people clap. not the thing that looks cool from the outside.

the thing i can do for fun. the thing i can return to even when nobody is watching. the thing that feels mine.

that is the question boredom gave me:

what am i really good at? and what would i still do if there was no money, no attention, and no one to impress?