would you still do it?

yesterday i talked to a 24-year-old. he's preparing for a competitive exam, but he loves music and wants to pursue it for a long time. at the same time he wants security.

so i asked him: if nobody is going to watch you, are you still going to do the music thing? he said yes.

but saying it and doing it aren't the same. i told him to have courage. and then i couldn't stop turning the question on myself.

what would i do if nobody watched? i'd build software. i figured that out in 12th class, when i was preparing for neet. building stuff was my fun, my comfort zone — what i'd do whenever i got free time. slowly it became the thing. now i want to build software for people and watch them use it. sounds theoretical in my head because i haven't done much yet. but i'm trying. i'm trying hard.

though if i'm honest, most of what i've done so far was for money. to get money. and that leaves a question i keep coming back to: do i want to win, or do i want to be liked? i don't have a clean answer yet. but i think it's the question worth sitting with, because it decides what your actions are actually for.

the pressure i feel goes up and down. sometimes the tech world excites me — everything is changing so fast, it's going to be a crazy place, and i get to be part of it. that turns the pressure into excitement. other times i'm low, and it feels like the world is moving too fast and i'm not adapting. i feel behind — financially, in health, in a lot of things i want to pursue. i'm still trying. just trying.

that 24-year-old reminded me of my school days. i was good at studies, and i went with the flow. everyone told me studying is the thing — be the best at it, that's how you win. i don't believe that anymore. you have to be a generalist. just following a path someone told you means you never figured out what you actually want. everyone should start searching for what they really want to do for the rest of their life. it takes courage. but that's how you get to greatness, i believe.

steve jobs said it better than i ever could:

when you grow up you tend to get told that the world is the way it is and your life is just to live your life inside the world. try not to bash into the walls too much. try to have a nice family life, have fun, save a little money.

that's a very limited life. life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact: everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you. and you can change it, you can influence it, you can build your own things that other people can use.

once you learn that, you'll never be the same again.

so am i in the 10% that follows their heart? no. definitely not. i'm chasing something — money, a relationship, some output. i tell myself i'll be in the 10% once everything's taken care of. that's wrong thinking, i know. but i'll figure it out.

if money wasn't a factor, i'd build a lot of consumer apps. i want people to use what i make. i want to see if i can change people's habits.

and the advice i gave him — follow your passion, have courage — i haven't fully taken it myself. i haven't figured out my thing yet, and i don't have the courage to say fuck off to everything and just start. but i'm getting there.